About Me

Monday, September 18, 2017

steady hands just take the wheel

stop and stare - one republic
Steady hands just take the wheel
Time to make one last appeal
For the life I live

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah, I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, oh

Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're here not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Steady feet, don't fail me now
~

one of my fav songs EVER!! it was SO ethereal going for my first concert (sigh. first concert at the age of 27 HAHA. ok i did go for a big bang concert few yrs ago, but yknow what i mean). and it was in such insanely pretty surroundings it was literally unbelievable. also i love this particular scenery cos i used to run marathons in the exact same place at 6am when i was younger. well half marathons.

i was literally nearly in tears when the (very familiar) lyrics blasted thru the padang speakers. i think its cos this song has spoken to my soul for years now - no matter what age and season of life im in, it seems to speak to me really well HAHAHA i guess its one of those lyrics that tend to resonate with people cos of how it can apply to so many things. so many people have things in life they arent completely happy or satisfied with and would like to improve so that's why

for me, it's driving home post shift at the wee hours of the morning and hearing "steady hands just take the wheel/ time to make one last appeal", "steady feet don't fail me now" blast through my speakers. in that moment, specially as i used to drive past serene center where d and i used to study when we were in secondary school, i don't know why it felt so particularly significant. the time when i started to really make an effort in life towards this goal, and when it started to pay off. the things we try and hope for, seemed to be all melting into one. both the realization that i'm where my sixteen year old self WANTED to be, and that yet there is so much more to aim for.

and that i may be driving this car right now but there is someone up there with steadier hands than me. who is protecting me during this 2am late night drive as i am sleepy and exhausted from the long day.

anyway it was so unreservedly awesome. i dont know if next yr will have music acts as good as this cos of the emotional attachment i happen to already have had to one republic haha. but you never know!!

that said i have been rather enjoying the past few days of off interspersed with night shifts.
not to mention yesterday i happened to be in town enjoying my post night day off after church and i was feelin kinda hungry when i happened to walk past twelve cupcakes which had loads of cupcake samples all laid out. in the middle of an orchard road underpass!! ok it sounds funny when said like that but at that exact moment it was like WHOA. heart cupcakes ++

ok off to do my one million thingS


one million dance studio!!


Saturday, September 9, 2017

carry on/ if we've ever needed you

carry on - kutless 
There is strength in my weakness
That only comes from You
You know I'm weak
I know You're strong
You say when I'm broken
And can't carry on
Carry on
When all my strength is gone
You're still holding on
There is love for the lonely
That only comes from You
There is peace and forgiveness
That I have found in You
You are the Way
You are the light
You are the voice calling me through the night
(You are Holy and just
Full of mercy and love
You are patient and kind
Your grace has opened my eyes)

dream - the best hit ost
(a different, prettier translation)

i thought i could get it
the moments i dreamed of
so i stood up to it
holding a faith without reason
in the end you'll catch it

everyday i pray that i'll catch it
there must be a bright light at the end of the tunnel
i was hopelessly running and running
so i wanted to see that bright light
i think i should go a little more
i should wake up the reference book for running again
but my reality is so overwhelming
as if i were falling down
it was a dream i want to achieve by dedicating everything to it
the more i try why the harder is it
as time goes on, i just want to sit down

if there is a God, please listen to me
i can only do barefoot walking on a thorny path
i pray for my dream
sometimes stop and look up to the sky
i still have a dream to achieve
i need to hold on a little longer
i should pick up pieces of memories that looked back tens of thousands of times
its ok at the latest, what if it's a little late?

pre night shift listening to music and also trying to make myself watch frcem videos haha

having alot of obsessions lately ranging from learning korean, italki lessons (korean) - which are really great btw, i can talk in korean for 1 hr!!!! so awesomeee. and now learning french. and bullet journalling. (before that was inkscape which is kinda like adobe illustrator). and then oh yeaH learning how to use my new gopro :):)

i really think i shld start to be obsessed abt frcem intermediate videosss
cos ultimately the most impt thing is being safe right? and the more i know then also the safer i'll be? but the workload is so shag nowadays that i just wanna chillax like anything when i'm home. its like running a daily marathon. dont get me wrong i LOVE marathons. they're just tiring. and sometimes they are over-tiring and you get HEAT EXHAUSTION and RHABDO. you get the idea. 

hahaha thinking back to when i first started adult ed. i was SO INNOCENT and IDEALISTIC. even when i was still in the chillax hospital ed, even tho i did some busyed shifts, i didnt fully realize the extent of the workload and hadnt been jaded yet, cos of how chillax the environment was. now i'm like. very very shag and exhausted and jaded. i still love it though (in a far less idealistic way) and i still wanna do it. i guess i definitely understand better what it takes. something that has not changed is that i'm still up for anything! this is definitely NOT my own character trait but something that came to me over the years after all the years of ed life. or rather, it is like my own character but drawn out of me by the years of exposure from ed life, ed people and how i know we are supposed to be? like after awhile you emulate the people around you and everyone in ed - mos, bosses, nurses are all very fast-paced, fearless, willing to try new things... kind of basically what you see in tv dramas. i think it's basically what i always wanted to be but i couldnt get myself to be like that until i physically joined ed then it was very easy to just slip into that mindset after literally marinating myself in that environment for 2 years hahaha. i guess ed makes me a better person. 

i dont really know what to say abt applications but this sums it up well
you say when im broken/ and can't carry on/ carry on/ when all my strength is gone/ you're still holding on 

making plans to go back to edin for exams makes me think of the miracles. so many years ago. somehow the idea of runnin up arthur's seat again makes me think of the time i tripped over my shoelace and fell and picked myself up again. haha. i knew that was symbolic then thats prolly why that image stuck in my memory all those years. its funny cos the miracle was leaving edin? but when i close my eyes i can see the streets of edin very very clearly as if i was there right now. things like eating ice-cream after watching the world cup. things like snowball fights after birthday celebrations. 
theres eusem in glasgow next year i think? dont know if i'll ever have any papers to submit for it. i only went to glasgow for one day in my entire life but i remember that day very very clearly. hahah i remember it was my birthday and my friends surprised me with a bday celebration when we came back from glasgow that day. edin brought alot of love, happiness and also angsty stress times into my life, no doubt. but isnt it so great that when's all said and done, when i think of edin i think of God working miracles? that's really such a great happy ending. maybe i should have been more chillax and happier and less uptight then - if only i had known how well it would all turn out. in comparison nus med (which was actually the RESULT) of the miracle was much more... tamer and less dramatic. filled with everyday happiness like cg bonding, hilarity (ok LOADS of), stressful preparing for mbbs but so much tempered with the funniness of clerking with yj - things like clerking the wrong pt, clerking the right pt with wrong dx, clerking people with altered mental status, dropping her handphone into the pt's bag of belongings and having to dig thru the pt's things, presenting hx with SOB +++ after running up stairs to make it to tut. HAHA. so funny how life works huh?

so i decided to be as chillax as possible now. i know i was really uptight in the past. but sometimes life works in a funny way and you need to balance everything out. you might wanna be less uptight but others might perceive it that its less than perfection or not approve of it? haha. so its a balancing etc. i dont pretend to be perfect and may nv be. but you know what? since i stepped into adult ed, there has only been one thing running through my mind "God is going to save me. i dont know how or why or when, but He is going to bring me through this. it's going to be ok". 

Thursday, August 31, 2017

love is not over/ dream



astro - i should have held on
It was like that rainy scene
From the movie we last watched together, oh no
You said goodbye with a stony face

On my way back
Memories of us together float up like a movie
The small present you gave me
Is that everything about me has changed



dream - the best hit ost

I thought I could catch them
The moments I dreamed of
So I walked strongly

With faith without reason
I kept going without giving up
I thought if I gave it my all
It will all happen before my eyes
In the end, I’ll get it, I pray every day
I’m only looking ahead as I run

I thought I could catch them
The moments I dreamed of
So I walked strongly

At the end of this dark tunnel
There will be a bright light
I ran endlessly, locked up in hope
Yea, I wanted to see that bright light
I thought I just had to go a little more

It felt like I could reach if I held out my hand
But why does it feel like I’m running in place?
It’s not enough yet, right?

If I wanna run again, I need to hold it in and get up
But there are so many things that make it hard to handle my reality
As if they’re trying to make me fall
But I’m trying to endure cuz I don’t wanna lose

It’s a dream I wanna fulfill with all I am
But why does it keep making it harder for me?
Why don’t they know how earnest I am?
I don’t expect much, that’s the only thing

But the more time passes, the more I wanna crumble down
Why must I throw myself into the responsibilities of the world?
Why do I have to endure that pain?
The world won’t leave me alone

I try telling myself that it’s not my fault
I can only avoid it and hide
If there is a God, please hear me out
This is all that I can do
And I hate it
I can only walk on a path of thorns
But I’m closing my eyes and shouting in my heart
I pray for my dream

I’m dreaming again
The dream I wanted
I pray with my hands together
Sometimes, I stop and look at the sky
Because I still have a dream to fulfill

Inside the endless despair
I thought I was the only one suffering
But the only thing I could do
Is to hope and pray
I need to endure, if my seat breaks

I must put it back together stronger
But the more I hope, the more I suffer
I’m curling up into a ball again
I know better than anyone else but I must start again

I must pick up the pieces
Of the memories that I thought of thousands of times
This is just a phase
But time is not passing
It’s alright even if it’s late, who cares?
In the end, some day, I’ll fulfill it
So what? Don’t compare me with others

All I have to do is have fun and walk on the path I want
If it’s hard, I can take a break, because I’m gonna get up again
I’m doing a good job, just like I am now

i have a dream woo woo
i have a dream woo woo

~
this song comes from the ost of the best hit - the drama i'm currently watching. so it's doubly meaningful. howevER the lyrics hit home so well that i would have liked this song regardless of whether i had been into the drama or not. i can't decide which is better, kim min jae's awesome rap or younha's singing! both are great.

parts i liked the best
"with faith without reason/ i kept going without giving up"
"in the end, i'll get it, i pray every day"
" i ran endlessly, locked up in hope"
"if there is a God, please hear me out"

"its alright even if it's late, who care? in the end, some day, i'll fulfil it. all i have to do is have fun and walk on the path i want"

HAHA i loved the conclusion.
really story of my life
~

ANYWAY. going for shift in 2 hrs. watching frcem intermediate videoS. its pretty fun.
i guess in life, i basically just pray that God will keep me (and my patients) safe. that's the basic prayer. and its HARD ENOUGH to survive just that. everything else is the cherry on the cake.

so there are 100000 undone things all the time but we keep going. not to mention wasting time faffing around with adobe illustrator, inkscape, falling into the abyss of cool things like making 3d/ 2d games with unity HAHA. learning korean - im taking classes on italki now its super fun!! had like 3 classes so far. i can (slightly) understand my teachers even when they talk completely in korean so its really fun and satisfying. goodness only knows what my spoken korean sounds like to their ears cos i have the vocab but like zero grammar skills so it must sound quite funny ahahaha. and planning holidays. HAHA. i think i have wasted alot of time bumming around these few months. BUT GUESS WHAT i love bumming around. and it makes you more efficient at work. kinda like how those people who train for marathons do nothing but bum and sleep in the daytime (well those super marathoners in kenya. apparently. i guess there are plenty of efficient marathoners who do loads of stuff when they are not running. but i couldnt do that. i would totally just burn out). all the nurses always tell me at the end of a long shift GO HOME GO HOME YOU WILL BURN OUT. but i dont feel burned out leh. i think its cos i bum SO MUCH at home HAHAHA doing all these nonsense stuffs

yea i totally know all this stuff is nonsense but i enjoy it. hahaha.
anyway its a useful skill ok. can make some awesome stuff with inkscape now

on another random note i am currently craving:
macbook air
go pro
DSLR
IPAD

however i dont have THAAAT much money so i am going to get these things slowly one by one in order of importance

also despite the lovely bumming time i think it might be prudent to start the application season HAHAHAHAAHA

what do i even say. i think just leave it to God. He clearly knows best, i no longer know anything anymore. i've decided to just leave it up to Him cos He has some really good plans far better than mine. but i should do my best and get my referees and survive my interviews and then if God really wants then i'm sure He will help me this time. it would be a miracle to suddenly get my miracle after all these years hahahaha its great that i can laugh at myself and my ridiculous journey through this life but OH WELL.

inside the endless despair/ the only thing i could do/ is hope and pray

Monday, August 28, 2017

if you can't fly, run



super inspiring song by BTS!
All the underdogs in the world
A day may come when we lose
But it is not today
Today we fight!

No not today
Some day, the flowers will wither
But no not today
But today’s not the day
It’s too early to die
No no not today

Yea, we are extra
But still part of this world
EXTRA + ORDINARY
That’s not even that special
Today we’ll never die
The light will pierce through the darkness

If you can’t fly, run
Today we will survive
If you can’t run, walk
Too hot, success doublin’
Too hot, somersaulting on the charts
Too high, we on trampoline
Too high, someone stop us

We couldn’t fail
Because we believed in each other
Trust me, who is next to you
Together we won’t die

Throw it up! Throw it up!
Throw away the fear in your eyes
Break it up! Break it up!
Break the glass ceiling that traps you
Turn it up! (Turn it up!)
Burn it up! (Burn it up!)
Till the day of victory (fight!)
Don’t kneel, don’t break down
That’s not today!

Monday, August 14, 2017

inspiration

http://msf-seasia.org/blogs/17613

chanced upon this lovely little piece of writing by a hongkong surgeon with MSF. ok, not chanced upon, i stalk the MSK blogs all the time. HAHA.

"Time flied and my three months mission finished. On the last day in South Sudan, I met the Hong Kong doctor that came to replace me. He was my senior in university. A few years back when I graduated, he handed over the CUHK alumni dragon boat team to me. And today in the airport of Bor, on the other side of the world, I passed on my mission in Bor to him. It was a very special feeling to have friends and mentors who strive for the same goal. As I waved him goodbye and stared at the back of the MSF car, enjoying the last of the hot breeze and dazzling sun, I knew I would be back again.
Life must go on after this unforgettable journey to South Sudan. Coming back to this familiar place, staring at these advanced equipment and well-equipped operating theatre, I know I am no longer the same." - dr shannon 

SO INSPIRED.

~
FRCEM INTERMEDIATE VIDEOS, come on we can do this!!!

Sunday, August 13, 2017

you, clouds, rain

on a cool day, post night, plus a nice post night brunch (thx to a new friend for the treat as well as all the advice! it was much appreciated! one of the things i like abt ed is meeting loads of new people. haha reminds me of those days of spontaneousness) , many thoughts are running through my head

learning new korean vocab is so therapeutic. maybe i should watch some frcem intermediate videos instead to learn abt chest and abdo trauma. HAHA.on the bright side, i learnt how to say "stabbed in the chest" and "i have a fishbone in my throat" in korean. these are VERY USEFUL PHRASESS ok

~
i guess when you let go of everything, then you can let God take over. i guess letting go of everything is very very difficult. it can feel like giving up sometimes. but it's not abt giving up EVERYTHING. you still need to lead your life and go to work everyday. i dont really know how to describe it. i guess it's something like, if you dont focus on wanting something SO SO MUCH and just go about living your everyday life and hoping God will help figure your life out (since u cant figure it out urself), and as time goes by some things fall into place and some dont. and new things pop up like mushrooms in a fairy field. and you let some more things and people go. and so life goes. cycle of crabbyness and glucose drinks and starbucks and egg benedicts all starting to blend into each other like an indistinguishable ice blended. it may be quiche but it is what it is

sometimes it may be ironic, sometimes not so
sometimes u have no time to think at all

i guess what im trying to say is that life cannot be subsumed into something that is explained so easily.

and even that when one does sometimes get what one wants, sometimes its not the best. it seems like no matter how old i grow, i still have difficulty on a daily basis believing 100 percent that alot of the times God is saving me from something. i mean i KNOW it but it just doesnt ring true to me sometimes. haha. confessions. or i wish it was but sometimes it doesnt seem too clear.

i think part of the problem is that ive gone SO many circles of philosophy and internal explainations that they no longer make sense to me anymore. to the point that to explain something to myself, i'm like... I EXPLAINED THIS to myself already, it made perfect sense, and shit happend ANYWAY. so i dont really like this explaination particularly.

ok. THAT makes sense. HAHA.

actually life is really ok if i dont think bout it too much. just enjoying each day and chillaxing with my friends and the great nurses, and meeting my quota, esp with nice bosses, it really isnt the slightest chore at all. actually its a great joy. esp when the bosses are nice. like one of my HEROes the other night was like "e pls go back home!!" 5 mins later he u turns and comes back "actually i was just gonna ask, we're ordering supper do you want any?" HAha epic.

at the end of it ALL, it's God who smoothens our way, who makes five loaves and two fishes out of literally nothing (speaking of which my student bought mr bean for me. SO THANKFUL coz if not i would have STARVED. also the post 2 m&rs and pre nail avulsion dinner with IL was so great despite the usu hosp food. and also thankful for my new ortho friend who helps with those ortho xray readings. haha seee i have so much to be thankful for.).

so i should keep on the road, even if the lights have gone out multiple times and the path seems like an everchanging geographical landscape like the icelandic glaciers and volcanos. i might have felt ravenously hungry post shift and skipping dinners etc but im clearly still alive and clearly did not die from starvation as of yet.

i should keep on doing what is right.

and if one day, God ever decides that he might want to send someone my way, then i should NOT rely on my own deciding purely, but listen to that inner voice telling me whether it is the right person or not. because, to conclude, my own compass is severely lacking.

howeveR if that is not meant to be then i guess, after all these years of love poetry, i can accept that and that there is something better. cos i know there is so much more to life. and anyway i have been through SO EXTREMELY MUCH KOREAN DRAMA worth of krebby life cycles already that i think i have enough to fill TEN VOLUMES OF POETRY that probably no one will read. so i am NOT KEEN AT ALL to have new people to walk into my life to increase the number of poetry volumes that i produce. i think alot of it is that no matter how we said in sec sch that we dont define ourselves by who comes on a white horse to save us, i guess sometimes alot of the times we DO very much so. so this is me saying that GUESS WHAT there is quite enough thank you very much.

and that maybe God really does want me to go the msf route instead and that is something noticebly harder with a knight on a white horse, it wouldnt really fit onto the plane. and that i accept that and know that is actually the far more exciting and awesome life plan

ok enough roundabt metaphors. HAHA.

~




Rain is coming.
I thought of you.
I think so.
It was.
It does not matter.
Today is the day that I think about you for a long time.
I deliberately look for a song with you and me
It’s okay to be sad or depressed today.
If this night goes by anyway,
I’ll live with you for another time.
I’ll live in my heart.

Sometimes I go back.
I rather have this rain

The happiness that has been given to us
I think I wrote it too soon.
I think that’s it.
When this rain is over
I have to live again.
~
I just suddenly thought of you
It’s not that I miss you or anything
The way back home is too long
I guess I didn’t have enough to think about

Are you still the same as before?
Are you still the way I remember you?
~
I’m sorry, it’s my fault
Thank you, it’s all thanks to you
These were words you said out of habit
Even though I knew you were struggling too
You probably think I’m a fool

If I say that things are hard with a crying face
Will it really get better?
If I cry and say it hurts, who will have a harder time?
Everyone will be fine

Maybe we trapped each other
Inside our own misunderstandings
No, you don’t understand me
Whenever I see your worried eyes

We’re together but we’re not walking together
Loneliness and misery, the difference is only one memory
But why do you keep trying to write it as something else?

Friday, August 11, 2017

SVT/ all the adenosine in the world

beautiful lyrics to listen to on a rainy day!
night shift later

i love learning a new language. it feels like opening a whole new world. SO satisfying when i can read and understand the sogang 3a book! hahah. i'm at around chapter 6 now. bought sogang 3b the other day and it's lying there on the table just waiting to be opened.

yeaH there are many stresses and worries in life, but for what ive got so far, thank you God :) i truly dont even deserve this much so thank you.


cover by SVT dokyeom

When darkness falls
I’m left alone again
Until the day dawns I stay up thinking
It’s hard to understand

Today I tried to believe you
No matter how much I blame myself
It’s impossible to hate you
It’s impossible to trust you My memories haven’t faded

I must have loved you a lot back then
But I must have been the only one in love
It wasn’t the pain of losing you
It was the side of you I didn’t know that made me feel so lonely

When the sun rises it all becomes forgotten like this
To go back in time 
My memories don’t go that far

my heart misses it, but knows we no longer can be
Making it impossible to count on you again 
Impossible to want anything from you

~


jessica - summer storm 
I don’t wanna waste time
This too shall pass
Like always
I’ll be stronger once again

Don’t say it’s a beautiful farewell
Because it’s really selfish
Because it makes me have hope
Although it’s not for you

On that rainy day, you and I
The moment we didn’t say a word
Only awkward silence flowed between us
As it pushed us apart
With cold faces
Into the falling rain
Bring me back to the summer storms
With you and I

After it passed like a storm
And I opened my eyes
You’re no longer here
I realize
I truly believed you

I was afraid
Of not being able to see you that summer
Because I knew it could never go back
I was lost on winding paths but now
I won’t regret

~
BTOB minhyuk - purple rain


your back view that is still clear like stinging thorns 
I guess it rained overnight
I wondered if this was a dream
All those what-if’s
I’ll get used to it at the blink of an eye
Yea, I’ll get used to it
I believe it, I hypnotize myself
I’ll become indifferent

Falling in the rain
Oh Falling

What was the problem?
Was it even a problem?
Hanging onto a question without an answer
I try to get an answer but
The only thing remaining
Is this damn habit, this cruel habit
Of still seeing you clearly when I open my eyes
The habit of drawing you out in the falling rain

I’ll be straight forward, I still regret it
It doesn’t matter on who was right or wrong
Trapped in the illusions of if-only’s
It’s too late for us to start again