About Me

Monday, August 22, 2016

don't forget

i think i should change this blog name to #dayoffchronicles, or #prenightshift, or #postnightshift, since half of my life seems to revolve around that hahah

things to do
1) claim weekend shifts/ taxi fares
2) study for mcem
3) study for emed
4) do some form of physical exercise today
5) korean trial class on fri!
6) apply for TL. go for us courses (looking forward to it! :):))

wishlist
1) buy more korean books
2) buy murakami books
3) fly to korea and learn korean
4) MISSION TRIPS!!!!!!!!!!! (sorry for the emphasis. this is a longstanding dream that has yet to come to fulfilment. although if i were to go on one now/ in the next few yrs, i would be MUCH more helpful than as a wideeyed inmature secondary sch student, which is when i initially first wanted to go. like when js was saying "no what, you can do t&s, i&d, gp work, quite useful what!" i tell you never felt happier at that moment. although he was talking abt drs without borders as mo level. haha. same happiness. KEEP ON GOING, KEEP SWIMMING, WE CAN DO THIS!!)
5) sign up for runs. just waiting for the route maps. currently i want to do great eastern and kiv scms? but i think scms a bit hard since mcem is THREE DAYS AFTER. maybe i shld start with 10k since it takes uhh 45mins to run a 5+km route nowadays. i used to run 8k in 45mins in jc!! sobs
6) baking. well would be nice but i think it takes too much effort. and i dont feel like there is anyone to give my rainbow infused products to. (sorry world, teenage angst yo)

~
i think what really gets to me, is that here i am, trying to look for the light at the end of the neverending tunnels. surrounded by darkness, trying to glow in the dark, usually unsuccessfully. trying to find all the starfish and jellyfish in my life to help me. and just when the darkness seems like it's going to close in forever, you come in and turn off all the sources of light. and not even metaphorically, you leave me stranded in the darkness. but i'm not afraid. ive saved many starfish in this lifetime, and i intend to save many more. i've fallen into pitch darkness many times over & dolphins have come to save me. 

i don't have to agree, but i can save myself from this darkness. i will. i will pick myself up from the depths of the center of the earth. i will glow in the dark and i will never, ever, agree to ANYTHING that prioritises dark over light. 

in this life that we have, light will win over dark. 
& i will do EVERYTHING in my power to ensure, that light wins. 
when i come to the end of myself, and i can't do that, when all the doors have closed and there is not even a single ray of hope left, then i know, that God will send a starfish to save me. He will open a window for me. He will teach me how to breathe underwater. He will pass me a scuba mask and oxygen supply. He will show me how to reach the surface. 
because i believe in this, that's why i can survive each day. 


Sunday, August 21, 2016

this isn't it

singing along to this song karokestyle is somehow very therapeutic when life isnt quite goin the way you want HAHA
BUT THIS ISN'T IT, THIS ISN'T IT, THIS ISN'T IT
i know this is only teenage angst but the problem is im no longer a teenager. oops. 
i realize that everytime i feel pissed like this i tend to make very strange life decisions. like the time i suddenly decided to change flats out of nowhere in yr 2. i really dont know why i made that decision to this day if u ask me actually?? 
i think i shld just give it all up, and fly to korea to learn korean at sogang. 
except i do have a bond. but i guess i cld take no pay leave. 
and just travel around the world forever. 
but actually work isnt the problem right? 
i guess in the end, you cant run away from yourself. 
you can fly anywhere in the world and be anything but in the end, the one place you can't run from is yourself. 
eh why is this post so angsty. all i wanted to say is that early morning belting out taeyang's song makes me feel happy actually. HAHA. 


Friday, August 19, 2016

daily dose of murakami

“Sometimes when I look at you, I feel I'm gazing at a distant star.
It's dazzling, but the light is from tens of thousands of years ago.
Maybe the star doesn't even exist any more. Yet sometimes that light seems more real to me than anything.”
― Haruki Murakami, South of the Border, West of the Sun

“If you can love someone with your whole heart, even one person, then there's salvation in life. Even if you can't get together with that person.”
― Haruki Murakami, 1Q84

“In everybody’s life there’s a point of no return. And in a very few cases, a point where you can’t go forward anymore. And when we reach that point, all we can do is quietly accept the fact. That’s how we survive.”
― Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore

“Sometimes I feel so- I don’t know - lonely. The kind of helpless feeling when everything you’re used to has been ripped away. Like there’s no more gravity, and I’m left to drift in outer space with no idea where I’m going’
Like a little lost Sputnik?’
I guess so.”
― Haruki Murakami, Sputnik Sweetheart

“As time goes on, you'll understand. What lasts, lasts; what doesn't, doesn't. Time solves most things. And what time can't solve, you have to solve yourself.”
― Haruki Murakami, Dance Dance Dance

“If you're in pitch blackness, all you can do is sit tight until your eyes get used to the dark”
― Haruki Murakami, Norwegian Wood
“Even if we could turn back, we'd probably never end up where we started.”
― Haruki Murakami, 1Q84

"Even castles in the sky can do with a fresh coat of paint."

— South of the Border, West of the Sun

“Memories warm you up from the inside. But they also tear you apart.” – Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore

“If you remember me, then I don’t care if everyone else forgets.” – Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore

“Sometimes fate is like a small sandstorm that keeps changing directions. You change direction but the sandstorm chases you. You turn again, but the storm adjusts. Over and over you play this out, like some ominous dance with death just before dawn. Why? Because this storm isn’t something that blew in from far away, something that has nothing to do with you. This storm is you. Something inside of you. So all you can do is give in to it, step right inside the storm, closing your eyes and plugging up your ears so the sand doesn’t get in, and walk through it, step by step. There’s no sun there, no moon, no direction, no sense of time. Just fine white sand swirling up into the sky like pulverized bones. That’s the kind of sandstorm you need to imagine.

And you really will have to make it through that violent, metaphysical, symbolic storm. No matter how metaphysical or symbolic it might be, make no mistake about it: it will cut through flesh like a thousand razor blades. People will bleed there, and you will bleed too. Hot, red blood. You’ll catch that blood in your hands, your own blood and the blood of others.

And once the storm is over you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.” – Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore

“For me, running is both exercise and a metaphor. Running day after day, piling up the races, bit by bit I raise the bar, and by clearing each level I elevate myself. At least that’s why I’ve put in the effort day after day: to raise my own level. I’m no great runner, by any means. I’m at an ordinary – or perhaps more like mediocre – level. But that’s not the point. The point is whether or not I improved over yesterday. In long-distance running the only opponent you have to beat is yourself, the way you used to be.”
― Haruki Murakami, What I Talk About When I Talk About Running

punch

beautiful song from the punch ost
jeon inkwon and dok2 
You told me that I know so little of the world
With a bit of a worried look
With a bit of a sorry smile
Yes, I probably don’t know the world
I have left for this long journey alone
But I have no regrets
All the dreams that made me cry and laugh

That is my world
No one easily believed in my dream
So I couldn’t throw it away, I held it even closer
Even if reality is different, I didn’t live any differently

Even if I couldn’t see it, it was growing inside me
Now I think it’s spreading before me, my world is in front of me
If someone asks me, I would answer without hesitation
I’m always the same, I never regret

I’m doin me and I’m proud of it
So you could never doubt that 100 tho
I left for a long journey, with countless changes and mistakes
The long loneliness and scars haven’t healed yet
But I’ve gotten used to it and matured when I came back
So I am going toward a better tomorrow once again
The small dream and trust now is the start of a bigger future

Even if it’s weak, it will be worth it
So if I clash against the world, I’ll just take a break and run again
I just need to make hard things easy, I’m good

Tuesday, August 16, 2016

there must be something i can do (& this is it)

Everyone tells me to close my eyes when darkness comes
That nothing has changed, that it’s always like this
Everything will be forgotten and maybe only you’ll be the one who’s hurt
But if you can still feel it after you ignore it and turn your head
There must be something
There must be something
There must be something I can do
There must be something
When it seems to be nothing

I need to find that something
Maybe it’ll be really easy, there’s nothing to fear
It’s about sharing the sadness, it’s about holding hands
It’s about lending an ear to angry shouts and counting them as precious
If you believe that small movements can make big miracles
I hope people who are in love won’t lose each other anymore and smile
I pray that this song will be a small light for the hurting hearts
There must be
There must be
such a beautiful song. today my shred of light at the end of darkness is HARUKI MURAKAMI. after all these years ive still never bought any of his books. i shld probably start now
some quotes:
"And it came to me then. That we were wonderful travelling companions but in the end no more than lonely lumps of metal in their own separate orbits. From far off they look like beautiful shooting stars, but in reality they’re nothing more than prisons, where each of us is locked up alone, going nowhere. When the orbits of these two satellites of ours happened to cross paths, we could be together. Maybe even open our hearts to each other. But that was only for the briefest moment. In the next instant we’d be in absolute solitude. Until we burned up and became nothing." - Sputnik sweetheart 
There has to be an end somewhere. It’s just that nothing’s labeled ‘This is the end.'
"After a certain length of time has passed, things harden up. Like cement hardening in a bucket. And we can’t go back anymore."
"We cannot simply sit and stare at our wounds forever. We must stand up and move on to the next action."
"How long will it take me to get used to this?"
"It's not a question of time. When it comes, you'll already be used to it."
:)

Monday, August 15, 2016

under the sky

sometimes it seems like life is just giving one a tiny little shred of hope. light at the end of the very very very long tunnel.

i guess i just want to say that after all these years, after probably finally coming to the end of myself a thousand times over, being jaded beyond belief, after all the crazy experiences thus far, i dont really expect or want much more from this life

... except the chance to have a few more crazy experiences. or maybe do this forever.

haha what can i say im an adrenaline junkie

i love it when i realize i can do much more than i thought i could

thank you God for the lights at the end of the tunnel. i will keep on learning from everything & go as far as You want me to go.

there is no fear in love; perfect love drives out fear

Sunday, August 14, 2016

begin again



"Begin Again" - jason gray

This one goes out to you
If you gave all you had and it wasn't enough
It goes out to you
If you're afraid you've failed everybody you've loved
It goes out to you
If the ties that bind are coming undone
And you're so tired that you wanna give up

There's never been a night so long…
There's never been a life too far gone
When you come to the end, you can begin again

This one goes out to you
When you got the call and it wasn't good news
It goes out to you
When there's nothing more that you can do
It goes out to you
When everything sad isn't coming untrue
And every dream you chased got away from you

Arise, my love, the winter's past, the spring has come!
He makes all things beautiful in time
After the fire, what remains is the love that will not change
And makes all things beautiful in time

It's never too late for a new start
If you give God the pieces of your broken heart
When you come to the end, you can begin again

~
this guy actually wrote a whole album on "how God can shine His light the brightest in the broken places of our lives, that our meaning still comes from the joy & hope we have in Christ instead of what we may feel on a daily basis". so amazing. seriously.

when every dream you chased got away from you/ when you come to the end, you can begin again